TIA REUNIONS 
There are old pilots, and bold pilots, 
but no old, bold pilots

TIA REUNION 2009
October 3, 2009 

A Mini TIA reunion at Kaye's House
May 2009 

TIA REUNION 9-27-08 

The TIA Uniform Fashion Show 2008

TIA REUNION @ KAYE'S 2008 

TIA REUNION 2006 

TIA REUNION 2005 

2005
 

TIA REUNION 2004 

TIA REUNION 2000 

The 2000 TIA Reunion was held at the Western Aerospace Museum in Oakland, CA this year.  The Museum gave that TIA feeling with it's aircraft displays,  aviation memorabilia and close proximity to the original TIA scheduling building. 

A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the copilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"

The copilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and copilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Houston."

The Gripe Sheet:  After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.   By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

 P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
 S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to North Dakota. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "I didn't know we had a choice."

**********************************************

****************************

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.  "Hey, bitch, "says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on.  A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:  "Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey?  Hurry it up! " Visibly flustered, the flight attendant hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.

Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.  "Hey, slut, "says the man, "get me a dry martini, and don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"

The flight attendant turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane.  In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.

The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

*****************************
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

*******************************
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane".

****************************
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

*******************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

***************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as h--- everything has shifted."

*******************************
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face... If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite.

*****************************
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

*********************************
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

************************************
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area.
Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children .... or other adults acting like children."

****************************************
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

****************************************
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

********************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault ...it was the asphalt."

*********************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain
taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

**************************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

***************************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline."

He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking
the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

*******************************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came
on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."

*************************************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

*************************************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and
after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I
was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and
spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of
mine!"

******************************************************
AND my favorite that I heard myself on a Southwest Airline flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this
airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

Some Flight Quotes From a Few Years Ago.

 Keep the aeroplane in such an attitude that the air pressure
is directly in the pilot's face. - Horatio C. Barber, 1916

When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was
forgotten. -Robert Livingston, 'Flying The Aeronca'

The only time an aircraft has too much fuel on board is when
it is on fire. - Sir Charles Kingsford Smith, sometime before
his death in the 1920's

Just remember, if you crash because of weather your funeral
will be held on a sunny day. - Layton A. Bennett

I hope you either take up parachute jumping or stay out of
single-motored airplanes at night. - Charles A. Lindbergh,
to Wiley Post, 1931

Never fly the 'A' model of anything. - Ed Thompson

Never fly anything that doesn't have the paint worn off the
Rudder pedals.  - Harry Bill

Keep thy airspeed up, lest the earth come from below and
smite thee.  - William Kershner

Instrument flying is when your mind gets a grip on the fact
that there is vision beyond sight. - U.S. Navy 'Approach'
magazine circa W.W.II.

The Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just
barely kill you. Attributed to Max Stanley, Northrop test pilot

If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far
into the crash as possible. - Bob Hoover

It occurred to me that if I did not handle the crash
correctly, there would be no survivors.
Richard Leakey, after engine failure in a
single engine aircraft. Nairobi, Africa, 1993.

If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it.
Ride the bastard down. - Ernest K. Gann,

Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death I Shall Fear No
Evil For I am at 80,000 feet and Climbing.  Sign over the
entrance to SR-71 operations, Kadena AB Okinawa

You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. -
Paul F. Crickmore,

The emergencies you train for almost never happen. It's the
one you can't train for that kills you.
- Ernest K. Gann, advice from the 'old pelican'

Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than
you. - Richard Herman Jr., 'Firebreak'

There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in
peacetime.
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1972.

An airplane might disappoint any pilot but it'll never
surprise a good one - Len Morgan

To most people, the sky is the limit. To those who love
aviation, the sky is home.

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good
orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing
is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all
three at the same time.

A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the "glass
cockpit" of an A-320.  "Now I know what a dog feels like
watching TV."

It only takes two things to fly -- airspeed and money.

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and
pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws
up, the pilot dies.

It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to
break wind and head into the ground.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is
that the engine usually quits whining when it gets to the
gate.

A copilot is a knot-head until he spots opposite direction
traffic at 12 o'clock, after which he's a goof-off for not
seeing it sooner.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive
flying club.

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about
to.

I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th
unsuccessful landing attempt: "You've got to land here son,
this is where the food is."

******

It was mealtime during a flight.....  "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.  "What are my choices?"  John asked.  "yes or no," she replied.

******

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.  As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opend his trench coats and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your sub.

******

A Southwest Airlines captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.

Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

View my Pictures & Memories of TIA Trips by Year
[1971]  [1972]  [1973]   [1974]  1975]  [1976]  [1977]

View my Flight Logs for Trips & Crews by Year
[1971]  [1972]  [1973]  [1974]  [1975]  [1976]  [1977]
[Flight School] 
[  Reunion Pictures ]
[ Airline Jokes & Fun Pictures ]